The collar

What a collar is

A collar is the most recognised symbol in BDSM. Worn by a submissive, it marks that they belong to someone, in the consensual sense, and that a dynamic exists between them and the person who placed it. Many people compare it to a wedding ring, and the comparison is apt: it is a visible, personal token of a commitment that both people take seriously.

A collar may be literal (leather, steel, a chain) or symbolic (a necklace, bracelet, anklet, or ring that reads as jewellery to outsiders). It may be worn always or only in private. Its meaning comes from the agreement behind it, not the object.

Also used: collar, collaring (the act or ceremony), collared (the state), day collar (a discreet everyday one), play collar (worn only in scenes).

Kinds of collars

Communities vary, but a common progression runs:

• Play collar. Worn for a scene or party. Carries no commitment beyond the moment. Often used in casual play or by people exploring together.
• Collar of consideration. Marks that a Dominant and submissive are seriously exploring a dynamic. It says "we are considering each other" and is usually understood to be exclusive for the period of consideration.
• Training collar. Marks an established dynamic that is still being shaped. The two are committed to building something and are working out what it will be.
• Formal collar. Marks a full, committed dynamic. Often given in a ceremony, sometimes with a contract. Removing it is a serious act.

Not everyone uses these stages, and many dynamics have a single collar whose meaning the pair define for themselves.

What collaring means

Collaring is usually the Dominant's act: they offer the collar and the submissive accepts it. The reverse also happens, with a submissive asking to be collared. Either way, it is a mutual decision and usually follows a period of knowing each other.

What the collar commits each person to is up to them. Commonly, the submissive commits to the dynamic and to the Dominant's authority within it; the Dominant commits to leading well, caring for the submissive, and honouring the agreement. Many pairs write this down.

Etiquette

• Do not touch anyone's collar without permission, and do not touch a collared submissive without the permission of both them and their Dominant where that is the dynamic's norm.
• A collar is not an invitation. A collared submissive owes nothing to anyone other than the person who collared them.
• Ask, rather than assume, what a collar means to its wearer. Some are jewellery; some are the most important object a person owns.