Negotiation

What negotiation is

Negotiation is the conversation that happens before play or before a dynamic begins, in which the people involved agree what will happen, what will not, and how they will handle problems. It is how consent becomes informed and specific. Nothing in kink should start without it.

Also used: negotiation, pre-scene negotiation, pre-negotiation, the talk.

What gets negotiated

For a scene, negotiation typically covers:

• Activities. What is on the table and what is off. Specific rather than general: "impact with hands and a flogger" rather than "some pain".
• Intensity. How hard, how far, how long. Where the bottom's edge is and whether the top should approach it.
• Limits. Hard limits (never) and soft limits (not today, or only with care), for everyone involved. Tops have limits too.
• Safewords and signals. What stops the scene, what slows it, and how a bottom who cannot speak signals.
• Health. Injuries, conditions, medications, triggers, anything the top needs to know to keep the bottom safe.
• Marks and aftermath. Whether bruises, welts, or other visible traces are acceptable.
• Sex. Whether it is part of the scene, and if so what kind. Never assume.
• Aftercare. What each person needs afterward and who provides it.

For a dynamic, negotiation widens to cover scope of authority, rules, protocol, expectations on both sides, and how the dynamic is reviewed and ended.

Negotiating well

• Do it out of role. Negotiation is a conversation between equals. A submissive who is already in headspace may agree to things they would not choose clear-headed.
• Do it sober and unhurried. Not at the party, not after drinks, not with a partner waiting.
• Say the uncomfortable thing. The limit you are embarrassed about, the desire you have never spoken aloud. Negotiation is the place for it.
• Listen for hesitation. A partner who is agreeing reluctantly is telling you something. Ask.
• Treat it as ongoing. Negotiation does not end when play begins. New information during a scene means re-negotiating in the moment, or stopping.

A note for new players

The length and formality of negotiation scales with risk and familiarity. A long-established pair may negotiate a familiar scene in two sentences. Two people playing for the first time should take as long as they need. Anyone who rushes negotiation, dismisses your questions, or treats your limits as a starting point for haggling is showing you who they are. Believe them.